Domestic violence can take many forms, from physical to emotional abuse. Abusers control through fear, intimidation, humiliation, and manipulation. According to an article from verywellhealth.com, the cycle of abuse describes a common four-part pattern that helps identify repeated behaviors within an abusive relationship. This pattern is not seen in all abusive relationships. However, when present, the cycle allows the abuser to continually maintain control and dominance over their partner.
The cycle of abuse theory originated as a way to help explain battered woman syndrome (BWS), a subcategory of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). BWS is used to describe women who have been repeatedly abused by their partners. The cycle of abuse is split into four stages to help people recognize common patterns and reasons why it may be difficult for the person experiencing the abuse to leave their situation.
Tension
During the tension stage, external stressors (e.g., financial problems, issues at work, etc.) begin to build for the abuser. Anger grows due to a feeling of loss of control. During this stage, the abused partner tends to try to find ways to ease the tension to prevent an abusive episode from occurring. It is typical for the person at risk to feel anxious, overly alert, or to “walk on eggshells” around their partner in the hope that they won't do anything to "set their partner off." Some indicators of tension-building behavior include: Abrupt anger, Annoyance or impatience, and Aggression.
Incident
Eventually, the built-up tension has to be released by the abuser to help them feel as though they have power and control again. They will then begin to engage in abusive behaviors such as: Hurling insults or calling their partner names, Breaking or removing possessions, Threatening to hurt their partner, someone close to them, or pets, Trying to control how their partner acts, dresses, cooks, etc, Committing physical or sexual acts of violence against their partner, Manipulating their partner emotionally, which can take the form of targeting insecurities or lying and denying any wrongdoing.
Reconciliation
The reconciliation period occurs when some time has passed after the incident and the tension begins to decrease. In many cases, the person who committed the abuse will try to make things right by offering gifts and being overly kind and loving. The reconciliation period is often referred to as a "honeymoon stage" because it mimics the beginning of a relationship when people are on their best behavior.
When the person who experienced the abuse is in this phase, the extra love and kindness from their partner triggers a reaction in their brain that releases the feel-good love hormones dopamine and oxytocin. This release of hormones makes them feel closer to their partner and as if things are back to normal.
The cyclical pattern of abuse followed by positive reinforcement can lead to trauma bonding, a condition similar to Stockholm Syndrome but less extreme. Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment to a person who causes emotional, physical, and/or sexual harm.
Calm
During the calm stage, justifications or explanations are made to help both partners excuse the abuse. For example, an abusive partner might say they’re sorry but blame the abuse on outside factors such as their boss or work life to justify their actions.
The abuser may also deny that the abuse occurred or minimize its seriousness. In some cases, the abuser may state or imply that the abused partner was at fault for the incident. However, in most cases, the abuser will show remorse and promise that the abuse won’t happen again. They will attempt to be more loving and understanding of their partner's needs and feelings.
Because of their convincing nature, their partner may come to believe that the incident wasn’t that bad, which helps to further relieve the tension surrounding it. Ultimately, the abuser may convince their partner that their abusive behavior is a thing of the past.
It's also important to remember that, while the cycle of abuse can be a good tool, people experience abuse in many different ways.